My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
