He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
