i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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