I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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