But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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