I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
