Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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