Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
