I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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