i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
