He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
