If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
