dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
