forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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