she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
