Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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