you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize