State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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