life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize