I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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