If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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