I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
don't judge my taste in strippers
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
