2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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