The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize