You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
They have beer where we have blood.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
