You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
