come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
