So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
