the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize