before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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