I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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