you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
