i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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