Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
