you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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