i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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