We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
