Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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