I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
