Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
