But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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