The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
