So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
