:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
