i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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