Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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