Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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