I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
