Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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