On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
