I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
