I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
