She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
