Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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