can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
