I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
