im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
it hurts more in the daytime
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
