You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My cat gives me a boner
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
