You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize