all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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