okay pat passed out under dana's car
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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