I'm eating all of the evidence.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
