i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
