i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize