Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
